Up until last night, I was feeling a little torn about how I was spending my time.
A lot of the assistants on the island (whom I hear from a lot, because we have a group facebook page and people are always on it planning things) are constantly on the move: visiting every city, going to every festival, planning beach parties and club hopping in the tourist towns. You kind of feel the pressure to go to these things, to get out there and have adventures on every part of the island, to be part of the group.
In general, however, I've been passing on most of these events and I was feeling a little guilty about it. I thought about it a lot: more questions...
Is something wrong with me? Am I homesick? Should I force myself to go do things all the time? Am I missing out on meeting amazing French people and conversation practice? Am I going to regret not taking advantage of every single thing that comes up? Am I getting old and crochety? Am I shy, and is this a character flaw I should force myself to overcome?
So last night, I got home from teaching. My roommate, Schafer, brought over a bunch of assistants for drinks before going to a few bars down the street, and I decided to stop being a recluse and go with them. It was okay at first, I liked the girls we were with, and it was good to get to know them. We met a French person or two and got a free drink from the bartender, a friend of Schafer's. Just nothing really all that exciting. Then, the cool girls went home, the French guy that was with us started to steal our drinks and ask for money, and some drunk people started aggresively hitting on other drunk people. After only half my drink, I decided it was time for me to go.
Walking home, I got to thinking about this one Friends episode where an old college friend was supposed to come visit the guys and they got all excited because they had been on some crazy adventures with him before, and maybe their lives are lacking now. When he didn't show up, they got depressed but decided they didn't need him and went out for a night of partying. They came back early for a coffee recharge....and decided to just go home. They bemoaned themselves for being tired so early and how they can't handle loud music and crowds anymore.
Then Chandler says: Y'a know what? We're not sad, we're not sad, we're just not 21 anymore. Y'know? I'm 29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour!
That's when I stopped feeling guilty. There's nothing wrong with me! I'm here for a job, I'm here for my future career. I'm here to gain teaching experience and study French. Why do I feel the need to force myself to go to bars with other Americans? I've been in bars with other Americans for at least 40 hours a week for the last three years! Maybe I AM shy, and maybe it's good to force myself to do some things. Things I'm scared of, like going to coffee with Sylvie, or talking on the phone to a French person, or going to the market by myself, all of which I have been doing. And there ARE touristy/adventurous things I want to do on the island, but I have chosen the most important ones to me and I have the next six months to do them in.
And obviously I'm not saying there is a right or wrong choice here. The other assistants are mostly much younger, still in college or just graduated. I've been there. I've been through the "see the world, grab at every opportunity, take every direction possible" thing. I believe that's what your 20's are for. The exploring, adventurous nomad phase. Instead of thinking I should still be doing that, maybe I should listen to my gut and be happy that I have grown into the next phase: the phase where I have taken all the information I've learned in my 20's, and used it to decide who I am, what I want in life, and where to go from here. I think that's kind of an amazing revelation.
These are the things I chose to do now.
I still feel slightly guilty even as I write that. Like people should judge me, because all of these things are things I can do in the United States...tv, and music, and cooking and reading...how stupid. I can hear someone in my head saying "You're on a tropical island in the middle of the Indian Ocean, and you spend that much time inside doing dumb things you can do back home?? WHY??"
After last night, I have the answer.
Because it is what I want to do. It is what makes me happy. Sure, I could have been doing all these things back home, but I wasn't. I never made the time. Maybe this is a wake up call I needed to have. Maybe this is a lifestyle choice, a lesson I need to bring back with me.
Slow down.
Be happy.
So I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing. The volcano, the ocean, the forest, the beaches, the rum...it's all going to be here, just like I am, for the next 6 months.
Don't worry, I'll see it all. I always do :-)
I'm glad you are slowing down and doing the things you want to do! Also, don't feel guilty like you could do those things back home. In Arlington you can't read a book on the beach, or watch TV in French, or cook foods you've never seen or heard of before! Don't try to change yourself for some other people, because I like you just the way you are! :)
ReplyDeleteI so totally agree. You know I'm someone who encourages people to get the most they can out of time spent abroad and not to spend that time, say, playing video games online with Americans every night for hours on end. That said, you don't want to burn yourself out in the first 2 months. Spending an afternoon alone, cooking, reading, and enjoying the view outside your window, is a very French thing to do, after all. And you are investing a lot of time in speaking with the locals, which is much more important than partying with Americans. So do what you want when you want and don't let a bunch of 21-year olds convince you you're an old grump or whatever. You have different interests and priorities than they do, and I guarantee that you will see and learn as much as they will, if not more. Your self-reflections written in this journal, and your willingness to challenge yourself to do things that are difficult, rather than just things that are fun, are clear indications of your maturity and your desire to learn and grow. No shame in that!
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