Catching up

So somehow, a month went by in a blur. I have a lot of stories to tell, but I realize that I left the last one quite dramatically, so I suppose I should reveal the end of that tale first.

Luckily, it has a happy ending. (My favorite!)

I went back to class and dove right in.

(Thanks to Lina, my "seductive" first scene partner for all the photos)

Hah ok so maybe I was a little nervous but after a while stuff started happening and I forgot my overwhelming embarrassment and paralyzing fear. 

I actively tried to be more social. Instead of running away before the sun set to avoid driving at night, I had a drink with the group and we watched the sun set together. Instead of eating my weird vegetarian food in shame in my car alone, I brought it with me to the table. I guess you might think I'm exaggerating, or that it's ridiculous that I was afraid of eating with everyone, afraid of casual conversations in French, afraid of driving, afraid of pretty much everything. I know it's not logical and I know it's probably not normal, but that's the way it is for me here. I'm a bonafide scaredy-cat. Well, at least I was...

And so, something very unusual happened. 

I started to feel confident. 

I started to bloom.

I met up with a small group the last morning to buy gifts for our generous teachers, and we were laughing and joking and I suddenly realized I was part of something. I wasn't as invisible as I tried to be, I wasn't actually cast in the role I had assigned myself (Useless Foreign Girl.) People saw me. I mattered. It felt really, really good.

I got to redo my scene, too. It wasn't suddenly Oscar-worthy and I didn't feel the same intensity I did when we were practicing...but I did the best I could. And I was proud of it. 

Then, magical things happened at the after-party. When I look at these photos, I see two weeks worth of pure, glittering LIFE. We laughed together, cried together, wore our emotions like colored scarves around our heads. We were in the present moment. I felt part of something profound. And something profound was happening to me.

I like the angel on the ceiling in this one ;-)

I realized...it's this that I've missed, this feeling, this belonging. I've missed the reaching out and grabbing someone's heart. I've missed throwing my arms out wide in surrender and letting someone take mine. I've missed the eye contact, the connection, the being in the moment. This Divine Inspiration, the playing off energy, the Real. Human. Experience. I've been so afraid living in this strange place with varying degrees of a language barrier between myself every person in my life. I had let fear cover me like a heavy blanket and I'd accepted it as part of my daily costume. I'd kept it's weight as my own. But the winds of change were starting to blow, now, and I could feel the sun again. It was a new beginning.

I've filmed a couple small projects since the class ended, and the Divine Inspiration has been nudging me ever so discreetly to keep dreaming...keep moving...

...and so beginnings smudge into endings, smudge into beginnings...