Acting Class, Part 2. The Drama.

The second day I arrived without tears, and class was a lot less stressful too. We were assigned audition scenes and a partner and we had ten minutes to prepare. They were nice to me...my scene was short and I only had a few lines...

So one by one, we stood in front of the camera and spoke to our partner who was off-screen. I felt nothing special about my scene but I was just happy to have pronounced everything correctly!! However, it just so happened that another girl had the same scene as I did. She was one of the last to go. Erica. I guess she was one of the tech people, but you would've never known because she KILLED the audition. Like real tears, perfectly delivered---she even got applause when she was finished. I felt humiliated, but I told myself I was allowed to be worse because it was my first scene in French...and I was here to learn...

At least that's what I wrestled with in my head for the rest of the morning. And again the rest of the afternoon when we watched all the auditions on the screen and everyone cheered for Erica again.

That evening I was lost in St. Denis, looking for the apartment of a girl I had just met a week earlier...a college student who dreams of going to the US and loves speaking English. After our lunch together she invited me to stay with her during the class so I wouldn't have to drive and she could speak some English. When I finally got there, I told her I reaalllyyy needed a beer (or two) so we set off to the nearest pizza place for dinner. Three beers later, she was helping me memorize my lines and we were laughing our asses off about absolutely nothing. That's when the selfies started.

I showed up the next day with my lines perfectly memorized and in high spirits. I volunteered to read the off-screen part for the male actors studying the scene, instead of letting myself feel inadequate and giving the job to Erica every time. I was doing great, opening up, even crying on cue...my time in front of the camera was a little stiff but I knew I'd get used to it. I knew I was progressing and growing and I felt great.

By Saturday we had our official partners and had spent some improv time together to develop the relationship between us. I gave my best performance that day---real tears, natural actions...I was high on life; back to how I used to feel as a kid on stage.

Sunday was to be the first day off, and then we'd start filming the scenes for real the entire next week. I was scheduled to go on Monday afternoon and I showed up eager to learn about filming. It turns out it's pretty complicated...

It's kind of a delicate thing. You spend a loooot of time setting the scene up--the lighting, the camera angles, the props...and then you run through it a few times to get the details right; where someone stands, should the windows in the car be up or down, should the beer be dropped at this word or that one...I was mostly trying to get out of the way of all the intelligent, skilled tech people, but I was also trying to slither between and learn a job or two---the clapper, the light covers, the bloody make-up...

Around noon my partner texted to say he couldn't make it in today, so I was stress-free for the rest of the afternoon. Then the rain started, which worried me because I had to drive back to St. Gilles...I told everyone I was going to leave early when someone mentioned the directors wanted to shoot my scene with a new partner next if there was enough time...

David confirmed that I would be shooting in 20 minutes, so I sped changed my clothes, make up, and went to find that place in my head that makes me cry. I found it...but I could only touch it lightly. I felt it going away. We would be filming outside and the wind from the rain was cold. My partner was different, we had barely talked before. The setting was wet with rain and we stood there for about 15 minutes while they angled three blinking cameras at us. My tears were coming and going. I went from feeling to going completely numb. And when Gael shouted "Action!" It was the numbness that stayed.

We did the first take. They were happy, hopeful. "That was a great first take...but we're just warming up!" I knew then that I had lost something and that it wasn't going to come back.

Take 2. I looked at David helplessly, desperately pleading for him to do something. To give me some magical words that would help. He didn't notice, because lately I've been good to go on one take. His only note to me was: "you know what you did."

Take 3. He notices. He asks me what's up. I tell him I'm disconnected. He asks me how that makes me feel. I shrug because honestly it makes me feel nothing. I feel nothing. I want to feel something, I want to feel angry or sad but instead I just feel nothing.

Take 4. He's getting pissed. He yells, "ok guys we have ten minutes for you to get involved in your scene...we're all waiting on you..." He stands in front of me and I look in his eyes. I know what he's going to do and I am half waiting, half closed-off. "How does it make you feel that you can't connect to your scene?" He asks again. I look around at my classmates, all staring at me. The cameras are blinking. "Well now it's starting to embarrass me." I say. "Why?" "Because I know everyone is waiting for me..." "And how does it make you feel to know everyone is waiting on you?" Then the real tears start to form but my default cry-deflector kicks in; I laugh. "You think it's funny?!" David yells. "No..." I smile again in order to avoid crying. I don't know why I do this. "Yet you're still laughing!" He's getting pissed. "No I'm laughing because I want to cry..." "Stop the laughing and tell me why you want to cry." I am really embarrassed. I shut down. I can't speak. It's this weird thing I learned from an old relationship that had a lot of fighting. I just completely shut down. I feel numb, I can't speak even if I want to. I am completely paralyzed. I stare at the ground and I feel his gaze burning through me but I can't look up. I wish I would've looked up. I wish I would've opened up, and spoke in English, MY language, where the words can touch my heart. I wish I would've told him that I was scared that I can't do this, that I don't deserve to be here, that I've been fighting with myself this whole week to try, to be brave, to go for what I've always wanted, that I've been intimidated and afraid and that I've lost all of my self-confidence...I wish I would've said everything on my mind in that moment, because that would have worked and that's what he wanted. "Speak!" He demanded.  But instead, I stood there, frozen, looking at the ground until finally, after a long time, he muttered, "ok let's do it one more time."

I don't remember how that last take went, but as soon as we were finished I ran as fast as I could to my car, feeling utterly heartbroken. Yet still...I couldn't shed one tear.

I came home in defeat and told Richard what had happened. We drank a lot of wine and I went to sleep still in costume. I woke up and I didn't go back to class. People were in and out depending on their film schedule so I figured they wouldn't even notice I was gone. For them it's just another day at work, and what happened yesterday was a silly game, already forgotten.

After lunch, I got a call from David. He said the scene was fine...great...but they wanted to try to squeeze me in for a re-shoot---something totally abnormal. He sounded slightly annoyed that I wasn't there today and asked if I was coming back for the last two days of the class. My heart was thumping in my throat but I promised that I would be there.

I have no idea if I'll ever be capable to do what is needed of me in this scene. I'm terrified to go back. But if I'm ever going to learn how to re-open that part of me that's been closed for so long...I'm going to have to try again. Maybe that's what this whole thing is really about, anyway. I've learned to block my emotions because being emotional is embarrassing in real life. Maybe it's time to tear the walls back down.