Becoming Sirena...Part 1

I grew up in the pool in our backyard. I think from ages 4-9, I only left the water to go to school. And like most girls my age, I've secretly wanted to be a mermaid since 1992. So ya know, I considered myself pretty capable in the water.

Then when I was 19 I went to Hawaii and I guess it was the first time I was REALLY in the ocean. It was back when I was still naive about the world. I scoffed at the "No Swimming--Dangerous Waves" sign and joined the locals in the water. The idea of being afraid never even crossed my mind. It only took about five minutes before I was swept up in a sickening cycle of waves and current. I barely had enough time to gasp in more air before another wave pummeled me and threw me around like a broken doll. I was too shocked to even comprehend what was happening. 

How could this be? The water and I were supposed to be soul mates...

Eventually, someone swam over and saved me from drowning. Most of the locals laughed as I staggered back on the beach, trying to hold up my tattered bathing suit and shrinking dignity. 

Ever since then I have both loved and feared the ocean. 

My favorite guilty online pleasure is to rummage You Tube videos about weird ocean things that wash up after hurricanes. I am constantly amazed by how vast and mysterious the underwater world is. And how incredibly dangerous it can be. Stone fish are one of the most venomous fish in the world and they are pretty common around here. I saw one myself while scuba diving, and lots of people see them in the lagoons. They look exactly like rocks and if you accidentally step on one, you could lose your leg in about an hour, your life if you wait much longer. 

In Reunion I'm kind of lost. People here seem to either hate the ocean and never go near it, or they grew up in it...instead of getting stitches for stepping on rusty nails, they got stitches for stepping on sea urchins. Instead of going to drama club after school, they went surfing. They have scars from falling on corals, from fishing hooks, from being slammed against rocks. 

And they just don't have The Fear. 

A few months ago I was swimming along in the lagoon when suddenly, this asshole fish attacked me!!! It was a Piscasso fish, extremely common here, and as I found out later, really aggressive.

You're a jerk.

This is how an asshole fish attacks you:
-First, you're swimming normally.
-Then out of nowhere, the asshole fish swims up really fast to your face, so you stop in your tracks.
-He backs away...and launches himself at your face again!
-He is sending you lots of hatred and meanness, which you can feel in your soul.
-You get scared and start swimming away, and he swims right next to you, staring you down with his   creepy unblinking eyes, making grotesque clicking noises that chill you to the bones. 

This sounds ridiculous, but it really just tipped the very delicate scale between love and fear for me. I started to avoid the ocean, and when I would go swimming, I avoided Picasso fish at all costs. This is unfortunate, because they are EVERYWHERE. But this crazy Fear was just growing and growing inside of me...

And then, I heard about this audition for an independent short film called "Sirena." They were looking for a mermaid, and Little Jen from 1992 said I WANT THIS ROLE.

I did want the role, but The Fear was strong. In fact, I did everything I could to tell the director I was not right for the part. I found out he was looking for a mixed-race Reunion girl with long black hair. Sad but relieved, I sent my pictures anyway, saying something like; "if ever you need a blonde American for another role one day...I exist." He wanted to see me. The auditions were scheduled on a day I was working, so I said, "thanks for the opportunity, and please keep me in mind for future projects..." and so he changed the date so that I could be there. 

At the audition, the first thing he said to the two mixed-race, long haired Reunion girls competing against me: "So, you are both synchronized swimmers?" I literally shouted "REALLY?!" and knew that the audition was over for me. He had us do these crazy things--go underwater and swim together, with the two on the ends crossing in front of the middle person, synchronized, beautiful, animalistic, with no hands, no mask, and...ok GO. 

After about an hour of insane underwater games like that, where I was mostly just trying not to drown and the other two were gracefully tossing their stupid beautiful hair over their shoulders while holding their breath for 5 minutes and diving like dolphins...it was over. IT WAS OVER!! Literally, I was so happy to discover that I could open my eyes underwater, I wrote it off as a great day of personal accomplishment. 

I heard nothing for a week and was neither surprised nor sad. 

Then I got a text. "We are counting on you for the role of Sirena." 

Surely it must be a mistake. 

I told him I planned a vacation for most of the time he said he'd be filming. 

Happiness and dread simultaneously stabbed at my heart. 

It was confirmed. The dates aren't a problem. 

 I am Sirena. 

To be continued...

Why Baby??

Why do people have kids?

Here are the reasons I could come up with:

1.) They like kids.

2.) They want to pass on their knowledge.

3.) They want a part of themselves to exist after they are gone.

4.) They want to have a cute family life.

5.) They want someone to take care of them when they are old. 

As a married woman approaching 30, I feel a kind of social pressure to "get going" on this making new people thing. It's been on my mind a lot lately.

Except there are some problems: 

I don't really like kids. I mean, they are cute in small doses, but if we're being honest here, I don't really enjoy being around them for long periods of time. Of course, there are exceptions because I do know some pretty cool kids. But it's more like a 1:10 ratio.

People are always saying it helps to make a pro/con list to sort out difficult decisions. I'm not sure if a pro/con list has actually ever worked for anyone. It certainly hasn't worked for me. First of all, some points just carry more weight than others! So I have to award bonus points which can get pretty confusing. And then, after wasting a bunch of time making a list, deciding on a fair bonus point system, and calculating the results...the whole thing just ends up in a crumpled pile, much like my math homework back in school.

But you know, just to play along, here's my Baby (?) Pro/Con List:

Cons:

1.) I don't like kids.

2.) Knowledge can be passed on to other people who are not your kids.

3.) I'm a spiritual person who believes physical death isn't the end. So I don't have a need to "leave my mark" on this Earth.

4.) I wouldn't want my kids to feel forced to take care of me when I'm old. 

5.) There are already too many people in this world, and too many orphans who need homes.
6.) I have a lot of things I would like to do with my own life.

I've found that it's kind of a controversial subject. Everyone gets so defensive about their choices, and seem so ready to attack someone else's. The childless are sad, selfish for wanting to do what they want with their lives, and meaningless. The child makers are also labeled selfish for adding to the problem of overpopulation, world hunger, and consumerism, and their desire to leave a part of themselves on Earth is judged as narcissistic. I think it's unfair, to be called "selfish" for either having or not having kids. For following your heart one way or another. But the judgement and name calling isn't necessary, nor will it affect anything.

Anyway, back on topic, my Pro List:
1.) I am worried that one day I'll regret it if I don't.
2.) Richard is undecided but I think he is secretly leaning towards having kids one day.
3.) I like the idea of a cute family life, the one in pictures where you're watching movies together on Friday night, eating popcorn. (Does that really exist?)
4.) I think it would be an interesting experience.

So I don't know. I feel like a couple on the Pro List should get some bonus points...but then I see my Mommy friends on Facebook posting stuff like this:

And especially that website, "Why My Kid Is Crying:"

And it's funny, and I laugh...I get it...but in no way do I want that to be my life. Like not AT ALL. So that feeling of complete NO ends up getting 100 bonus points and thus, the Cons win.

Is this normal??!!

So I have a favor to ask. Unfortunately, being a parent is not one of those things you can "test out" to see if you like it. So I have to rely on you, my family and friends who have decided to have/not have children.

If you have a minute, and an opinion, send me a message (private if you prefer!)
I'm really interested to hear about your experiences...

Characters.

There are two prominent homeless men in my town. One guy I call Rastaman (although Richard calls him Creole Jack Sparrow). The other one I haven't invented a name for because he's always drunk and his eyes scare me. They both kind of just walk around aimlessly. Occasionally, you'll find them sleeping on the ground in random places. Rastaman is usually accompanied by a dog with giant cow-like udders, but I've also seen him more than once sleeping among an entire pack of strays.

I think I know where they live, because one morning I was walking on the beach and I saw some make-shift tents on a patch of grass behind the cemetery. I guess if you're homeless it's not so bad of a place to live.

I usually try to give them money, but the drunk guy seems pissed if you don't have more than 5 euros, and someone told me they walked by Rastaman one night on main street having too much fun with himself. It kinda scared me off. Then I started thinking I should bring them food, but I don't know if it would be welcome or insulting.

The last time I came across Rastaman was at the outdoor market last Wednesday. My friend said she heard he used to be a successful business owner, but then he started smoking something weird that made him crazy. He never asks for anything, unlike the drunk guy. He just stands around in his long baggy pants with those thick dreads pouring out from under his hat like cactus branches, and watches this silly life go by.

I've wondered more than once if it's really him who is crazy,
or if it's us.