Nothing is a Coincidence.

"If you believe in coincidence...then you aren't paying attention."

-David Life

Here are some "new age" things I believe in:

1.) The book, "Conversations with God." (I'm not very eloquent in summarizing this ideology, but I'm going to try anyway.) Think of God as the ocean. Then imagine taking some buckets and filling them with water from the ocean. They are all part of the ocean, but now they are in separate containers. These containers are us--our bodies, and so therefore, we all have a part of God inside us. We have the power to create our world and our life. We do this so that we (God) can experience him(her/it)self, because just knowing something or being told something does not have the same effect as actually living something.

2.) The book "The Secret" which I'm sure you've all heard of by now. Or read. I agree, some of the message has been pushed towards the gimmicky---but the basic idea that our thoughts manifest in our lives is what I believe in. This can happen in positive or negative ways, which is why it's so hard...we (or at least I) am geared towards preparing for the worst. Trying to prepare for the best is difficult, but if you can honestly 100% convince yourself that you already have what you want for long enough I really promise it will show up in your life.

3.) Astrology. And not those dumb "horoscopes" you get in magazines or newspapers. My favorite astrologist is Susan Miller from astrology zone. We can all agree that the moon has a magnetic pull on the tides, right? So why is it so far-fetched to think that the alignment of the stars and the moon have a magnetic pull on us? We are, after all, simply composed of vibrating atoms of energy. Not everything Susan Miller says in her monthly reading applies to me in my life, and I definitely don't put my life in her hands. But if she says the upcoming full moon could be a good time to take a trip, I might try to make it happen. If she recommends not signing a contract this weekend because Mercury is in retrograde, I might find a better time to do it. So far, she's been pretty right on...

I also believe that there are no coincidences in life. If things seem to line up, I believe that it's life trying to tell you something. Sometimes I find that I go through a period of a couple of months where I'm just existing, where nothing really exciting happens and life just goes. Then there are times when things line up and I ignore them. And then sometimes, things line up and I go for it.

I'm telling you all this because things are lining up right now, and I feel like I'm going to try to go for it.

I can't tell you exactly what is lining up, because I don't know. But here are my clues:

I went on a hike last weekend with American Erin and her friends, and her and i ended up walking down the mountain together. We got into a really intense conversation about coincidences and religion, what happens after death and stuff like that. I told her I believe there is something after this life because of what happened with my mom.*
                           *side story: After my mom died, my little 9 year old brain thought that if I wrote her a letter and left it by the windowsill at night with extra paper and a pen, she would write me back, kind of like the tooth fairy. Obviously I outgrew that idea, but once during a particularly dramatic adolescent day of high school, I decided to write her a letter again. I had the radio tuned to the station we loved together, and while I was writing to her, my "song" for her (in high school you make official songs for everything, of course) came on. It was "Arms of the Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin. My heart stopped and I took it as a sign she was with me. The song ended before I finished the letter, and I was disappointed. Then, on the radio, the D.J. (Alan Almond, for my Michiganders) said "You know, I really like that song. Let's play it again." I couldn't believe it. When does that ever happen live on the radio?

And so Erin and I agreed that we have no idea what this whole life and death stuff is about, but that organized religion doesn't answer the questions for us. Looking back after this week, I think that conversation with Erin opened my eyes for what was to come...it reminded me that coincidences should be regarded as big red flags...


Meanwhile, I've been teaching Mr. Pardon, the rich entrepreneur of the "Pardon" chain of stores here in the Indian Ocean. It was actually Erin's job, I was just substituting on the days she couldn't go. Well on Monday, she tells me that her assistant position in the school district starts this week and she can no longer teach Mr. Pardon, so I would be finishing off the week with him. On Tuesday, Mr. Pardon and I get into a conversation about his life...how he started his business and the insane ups and downs he's gone through with it. I was amazed. Inspired. Mr. Pardon (now almost 60) has been filthy rich, then bankrupt, then rich again, then robbed, then his store was set on fire, then rich again, then sued by the (last) French President's wife, then robbed again a couple more times. When he tells the story, he is smiling. When he has those super low lows in his life, he never said "I was so depressed." Instead, he would think "ok, what's next?" Then he got out the only two English books in his giant library--books he bought while in South Africa for a month. They are books by Paul Arden, kind of inspirational, about taking chances and going off the beaten path. I don't know why, but the moment just struck a chord with me. He let me borrow the books.

The next day, I had to take the bus up to St. Denis, so I had lots of time to read the books. The sun was shining on the ocean, and the sky was 5 different shades of blue. The wind was fresh and it felt really good coming through the windows on the bus. I had my music on and for some reason, the books were really making me excited for something. Motivated to do something. And then, for no real reason, I started thinking about my Dad and a couple of my friends telling me that I should write a book. I just brushed the thought off when they said it---what do I have to say that is special? Sure, I've traveled a little, but it's not something new. There's millions of American girls who travel, fall in love, and move across the world. Eat, Pray, Love beat me to it. So did a million other books about humorous American/French culture-clashing relationships. 
Why should I think that whatever I have to say is anything anyone wants to read about? What do I possibly have to offer? 

If I've learned anything from Mr. Pardon, it's that sometimes you just gotta go for it. Take a risk. It was a little ironic that he told me his real-life example of that just before giving me those books that said the exact same thing. Books he's never even read because he never finished learning enough English to read them. Why did he choose those books? He didn't even know what they were about. (I asked him that and he said it was because he liked their design...it had nothing to do with the content...another strange coincidence...) Why did he pick that day with me to search for the books? And why did he offer to let me borrow them? He didn't know what was going on in my head while we were looking through them...

THEN (don't laugh) I am on this mailing list from that Conversations with God book. Sometimes they just email you some quotes or positive things to think about. That night, I received this in my inbox: 

On this day of your life, jen, I believe God wants you to know...

...that you are only one short step away from manifesting

what you need to reach your goal.

Do not stop now. Whatever you do, do not stop now.

Okay? Is that clear enough? Is that a clear enough sign?

You asked for a sign, didn't you?

So, is that clear enough?

And just now, before I started to write this blog, I checked out Susan Miller's astrology page. This is what she had to say to me...

The move of Saturn into your ninth house of learning, speaking, traveling, and philosophy will mark a monumental change in your life starting October 5 and continuing three years, until September 17, 2015. This is an area of your chart that is all about learning new information, giving out information, and assessing information in the philosophical sense. This house also rules foreign travel. Travel may become a bigger part of your life, and you will more likely go to foreign lands so that you can learn from your travels and broaden your thinking and your horizons. Your whole mind will open up, and with that, your goals will broaden, too. Saturn is always about reaching for the stars and trying big things, you may sell a book or screenplay idea in the coming three years. You may get a visa, green card, or passport from a foreign country, or go through a lawsuit which seams to take time, but that may eventually benefit you.

So after all that...I'm finding it hard to ignore it all and say "wow what a bunch of strange coincidences..."

I still don't know what I possibly have to offer the world, but I do have some stories and I did make some (huge) mistakes in my life. Maybe I can make some little girl somewhere who is going through the same thing know that she isn't so alone. Maybe I could inspire someone to take a risk too, like Mr. Pardon just did for me. At the very least, maybe it will be therapeutic to write all of the swirling questions out of my head. Maybe I could write our tropical French love story, and then they'll make it into a movie, which I will of course act in...and voila, my life would be complete!!

The only problem is...I have no idea where to start...

Success Tastes like Banana Pie.

On Fridays I usually go spend some time with the California girls. Their mom, Marianne, has quickly become my best friend here, and one of my all-time role models. Her life has been filled with dramatic adventures, like putting herself through law school, moving to the US and learning English fluently, starting her own business here (with her husband of course), and raising 3 amazing girls. Somehow she does all this with grace, extreme patience, beauty...and with a level head on her shoulders. On top of all this, she is an INCREDIBLE cook, and lucky for me she has offered to teach me a thing or two :-)

The first thing we tackled was a banana pie, all made from scratch. I wish we could have filmed our time in the kitchen that day, because it was just a hilarious cliche. I was such a clumsy mess that at one point, ALL the girls, even 6 year old Marie, were at my side trying to give pointers. Apparently in French schools, they teach you to cook as early as elementary school...the way they introduce fractions is with a cake recipe!

Anyway it was the best thing I've ever tasted and it was one of the best moments of my life.

"Do you need help??"

LOL 

Ok so not the most beautiful looking pie...but mmm was it good! Marie's touch was the little random squares on top haha.

After that, the weekend was for Charlotte, Richard's niece, who turned 2. I can't really explain how I felt about the chaos that is a 2 year old's birthday party. All I can say is that when we got back, I required immediate skype-therapy from my loved ones back in the US. Children are scary!  

Then...amazingly this week...I worked!!! My American friend Erin got like six new jobs all at the same time and started giving me her left-overs. Twice this week, I spent 6 hours a day teaching English to this rich German man who owns a beach clothing chain and some restaruants. I snuck a few pictures of his apartment...complete with a pool in the living room...to show everyone how amazing it is if you're rich.

Then today, Richard arranged for me to go out on a whale watching boat ride! It was lead by Stefan, our scuba dive guy (and the only person I feel safe enough to go into this shark-infested ocean with!) We didn't end up seeing any whales...but we followed a pod of dolphins for a while and it was amazing. They apparently like to surf the waves, and they also travel in big groups. It was pretty amusing to watch...every time a wave started forming, I'd look inside it and see like 7 dolphins just under the surface, coming straight for us! Then suddenly they are on the other side of the boat, doing flips and somersaults...one dolphin jumped up and did some kind of crazy double back flip...I awarded him ten points. It felt SO GOOD to be out in the sun, riding the waves. It makes you feel so small...especially when you look out away from the island and you just see waves...until at some point far far away, they turn into the bottom of the sky. After that, we saw a giant turtle, and then did some snorkeling. For some reason, Stefan chose to snorkel at the beach by my house...the one that has a red flag with a shark on it that means no swimming. I believe it might be the beach with the most shark attacks on the island. But the visibilty was incredible and I still have all my arms and legs so we're good.

dolphins!

Ok so maybe it isn't so scary to imagine settling down here, after all.

My name is Jen, and I'm additcted to dramatic leaping.

If I were an animal, I'd have to say that I'd be a flying squirrel. A flying squirrel does not actually have the ability to fly...but instead, it glides from tree to tree. Which means every time it leaps, there is a possibility that it could miss something and fall to its death. I have to admit, I am addicted to that feeling right before you take a leap. For me, it usually happens at the airport, after you check in and you're about to go through security. You say goodbye to whomever you're leaving, and your heart starts racing because you know in just a little while, you'll be airborne...and what happens after is a big exciting question mark. It's all very dramatic. The adventure. The thrill. The adrenaline. I swear, it's so addicting. And I guess that's why I keep moving cities/states/countries every couple years when I get bored or when stuff stops being fun.

woohooo

Ever since I was little, the only other thing that has ever given me that same high as traveling and risk taking, is acting. It enables you to connect with humanity by physically putting yourself through (someone else's) life-changing experiences...it's intoxicating. The word "drama" has recently become this ugly thing with negative connotations, as in: "I think you need the drama in your life," a phrase I've been told (and offended by) multiple times. Lately, though...I've been thinking that it's true. But why is that such a bad thing? Drama doesn't have to be synonymous with crazy ex-girlfriends, crying yourself to sleep every night over a guy, and constantly running away. In fact, the word "drama" came from a Greek word meaning "action." And yes, I do want action in my life. All the world's a stage, right? I never ended up pursing acting in a serious way...so instead of acting as a career, I just happen to be starring in the movie of my life. Aren't we all doing that anyway? Aren't we all actors? I just prefer my movie to be a little more...exciting...is all. And have multiple exotic locations.

I disagree. Why no drama?!?! Drama makes you feel alive. It is a first kiss under the stars, driving across the country in pursuit of love, and leaping off rocks hand in hand into the sea. I think the word everyone is searching for is simply "Negativity."

I'm fully aware that my gliding from tree to tree days are numbered. There is an emotional crisis gathering in my head, reminding me that I'm approaching 30, I want kids and a family, and oh yeah...for the first time in arguably my whole life, I'm in a good relationship with a normal guy who I love and respect, who loves me and wants to be with me. None of these things scream "drama." The story that played out getting us to this point was amazing and crazy and worth a couple Oscars maybe. But after? The part where he works late and I'm learning to cook and iron? It's dawning on me that it's the first time my life has been without action, without drama...without something I'm working to achieve. There is no end point to work towards now. This is it, this is happily ever after. And my emotional crisis is asking me if I'll I be able to be happy like this...normal, without my addiction to the leap. Do I have commitment issues? Is normal life going to be enough for me? I want and need it to be. But already, I'm freaking out. I've never been without a job this long before. My day is filled with reading, teaching myself stuff I've wanted to learn, taking walks by the beach and not worrying about anything. My boyfriend works a lot, but every second we are together he focuses everything on us, and he treats me like a Princess. I know it's crazy...but all of this perfection and normality is really starting to stress me out!

How do you measure success when there's no more hurdles to overcome, like surviving your time in the Army, or finishing your college degree, or getting a promotion? When you have everything (important) that you've always wanted? I have no idea what to do with myself after I wake up, and I struggle with the guilt of not having to go to work. I know, I know, you're probably shaking your head right now and thinking "Wow, your life is so horrible...that must be nice!" And it is! And I'm so sincerely thankful for everything--I promise you I am. I'm just...kind of worried that my inner flying squirrel might end up trying to sabotage it.

So, now what? I really wish I knew...

Housewife Adventures

It has been my experience that in America, people of our generation no longer care if you have domestic skills. In fact, I would even go as far as to say that it is fashionable, even kind of like a proud act of feminism, to be the exact opposite of a 50's housewife. I mostly attribute this to Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City, who used her oven to store old issues of Vogue. I am gathering that this is not how it is in France. I have been randomly informed, multiple times and by multiple people, that there is a French proverb that says something about a woman who can cook is a woman who you can marry. 

Since I have lots of time on my hands, since Richard works 10+ hours a day (very un-French), and since my source of money is currently his credit card...I decided it would be nice if I could help out around the house. 

As with all other projects I have tackled in my life, I decided to dive right in. I spent one entire day while I was sick in bed online, looking up recipes to try and writing down ingredients. Like a good little French girl, I went to the market the next day and collected all the things I needed. When I actually got to the cooking part though, is when all the trouble started. I was so happy to be finding good, easy recipes in English that I forgot to think about the fact they are in American measurements, and everything here is in metric. Also, it was then that I realized that Richard has absolutely nothing to measure with. Nor does he have things like pots and pans. Anyway, I did what I could with what I had, and surprisingly my chicken piccata was not too shabby. (Thanks Pinterest! And adding loads of butter for no reason!) I made a giant list of things that would make my domestic life easier, and I waited all day on Friday for Richard to take me to one of the big Walmart-like stores after work. I was so excited!!! 

When we finally got there, I gleefully ran through the store like a little kid, straight to the cooking section. I scanned the shelves for a cookie sheet. Then I scanned again. I saw a lot of things I have never seen in my life, but I saw no cookie sheets. I also did not see any normal cake pans (only pans for Fancy french cakes,) cupcake pans (WTF is a Madeline?! It was the closest thing to a cupcake pan, but still not what I wanted,) or measuring tools (except for one dumb cup that supposedly had all the measurements on it, but turns out that it doesn't.) I was broken-hearted. I looked sadly at my long list of things that would make my life easier...if I lived in America. Richard put his arm around me and I hung my head as we walked towards the door.

On the way out, a man selling fancy cheese calls us over. A few swift movements of his ninja-like sword A.K.A. giant cheese knife, and we were tasting the "Best Comte in the World," which was accompanied with the "Best Ham in the World." I believe it really might be the best ham in the world, because the hunk of thigh or whatever part it was that he was slicing off of, cost about $1,000. Maybe the pigs were fed a strictly gold-laced grass diet. Anyway, we left not even minutes later with $100 worth of cheese and ham. Richard was really happy. Sigh. Only in France...

These are the things I learned from this experience: 

1. I am not a person with natural abilities in the kitchen. When I cook, it is pretty much an all day event...from finding a recipe that I need to follow word by word, then going to the market (since I can't drive, it is a 20 minute walk one way), and then converting the measurements of every. line. of the recipe...maybe one day it will get easier? 

2. There is no actual "Walmart-like" haven in Reunion Island. There are big stores that have slightly more than the little stores, but there is no one place that you can go to for everything. If you have specific needs, it is much more like a treasure hunt. You have to find the one place on the island that carries what you want. (Cookie sheets DO exist here!) Then you have to pay 3x the price you would pay for it in the States. 

3. If you can't find something that you want...this includes clothes, Mexican food, spices, pickles, or soft pretzels...you will have to figure out how to make it yourself. 

4. I also have no idea how to iron Richard's important work clothes. I will probably be spending all day on YouTube after I post this blog trying to figure it out.

The End.

(P.S. I tried to end this post with a picture of a young girl who was both fashionable AND a house wife, but appartently that doesn't exist. Yet.)

Getting to Know the In-Laws...

This past week I spent a lot of time in the south at Richard's family's house.

The first two days I was there without Richard, since he works in the north. I was terrified. 

His family has always been very nice to me, but there was definitely a thick cloud of awkward in the room with us every Sunday when everybody would gather together for lunch. They would speak to each other in either Creole or super-high-speed French, and I would sit at the table in silence, eating and drinking a little too much, since I had no way to contribute to the conversation. Any time I tried to stumble my way through nervous small talk, I ended up just utterly embarrassed. And constantly, in the back of my mind, I wondered with some jealousy how families in Réunion can be so much closer than families in America. 

My first Sunday back I was dreading going over there, because they all knew about what happened this summer; how I broke Richard's heart and told him I no longer wanted to come back to the island to be with him. But instead, something cool happened. His sister, Aurelie, pulled me aside after lunch and said "Listen. I know what you had to decide wasn't easy. I just didn't realize you were having such a hard time here before! I stay at home with the kids, so I have nowhere to be during the day. What do you like to do? How about I pick you up this week and we hang out?" I was thrilled!! We spent the whole next Tuesday together, talking about everything under the sun and hanging out with the kids. In that one day, everything changed. I entered a new level of knowledge...about her, their family, and Richard. That surface image I had of them...this perfect, untouchable family who all come together on Sundays for lunch, actually had a history! With problems! With hurt feelings and mistakes! I immediately loved them all that much more. 

Aurelie and Cristof's kids; Arthur and Charlotte

Charlotte likes to steal my sunglasses. 

That night, Richard's mom invited me to go to her---get this--- country line dancing class!

I have never been country line dancing, so it only seemed too perfect that I would learn this sort of thing here, in Reunion Island, in French, after living in Texas for the last five years. However, I was pretty panicky about spending time alone with Richard's mom--easily the most intimidating person I've ever met. She's very nice, the perfect hostess...but quiet and strict...serious about everything. Anyway I decided to be brave and go for it. What's the worst that can happen? I'm not gonna lie, the drive there was pretty awkward. She brought me an apple because I was hungry, so I just dorkily munched on this apple in the dark, neither of us really saying anything. We didn't have to...the apple was doing all the talking. Oh my God why was it so loud?!?! 

I was easily the youngest person there by like 20 years. But it didn't matter. We learned the Celtic Cajun Country Dance (I promise it's a real thing, you can youtube it!) and I was profusely thanking my "Dancing for the Actor" college professor for preparing me to quickly learn dance moves. I breezed through the dance perfectly, as did Mrs. Serveaux. It was the first time I really saw her open up and laugh. Since that night, she's been starting conversations with me (this is a shocking first) about dance and reviewing the steps. It brought us to a new level, as well.

Next door to the parents, in a small, very old Creole house, lives Richard's Grandma and Grandpa. They are definitely of another era, and they prefer to live the old way. Richard and I took Aurelie's kids there this weekend, since they have a large backyard full of animals. Cows, sheep, baby goats, and a healthy amount of chickens were having a little farm party, so we went to go join. The interior of the house reminded me of Charlie and the Chocolate factory. Grandma, who seemed to be sick and must not weigh more than 30 pounds, was sitting up in bed covered in blankets. Richard explained to me that she doesn't know what an American is...so he just told her that I come from a country far far away. I didn't know what to expect. I kissed her cheeks and said hello. Richard said "Grandma, this is my girlfriend." Grandma looks at me, then turns to Richard and says in a slow, shakey voice, "she's not fat." Richard laughs softly. "No, no, she's not..." And that's all that Grandma had to say. I guess it wasn't the worst review I've recieved in my life...

The kids were restless and they were tugging at me to take them back to the animals. We saw Grandpa on the way out...dressed in a totally cliché French cab driver hat, he was cooking some ground corn in an old pot over a fire. He offered us home-made fried pig intestines to snack on. Oh yum! Grandpa started speaking Creole to me, but luckily I deciphered enough of the French in it to understand his questions. He wanted to talk to me about Obama and Clinton. I guess he knew a little bit more about America than Grandma did :-)

Immigrant Beginnings

I have no concept of time. Have I been here for two weeks, or three now? Everything is a blur of blue ocean waters, palm trees in the breeze, and feeling content.

The backyard at Richard's parent's house.

My afternoon jogging route.

People stopped at the side of the road to watch the whales go by.

I'm here on a tourist visa (which means legally I can stay in France for 90 days, then I gotta leave the country) until November 18th, because everything happened so last minute and because getting a legitimate French visa is really an art form, very difficult to learn. Also, this "tourist" time was supposed to be me trying on island life to see if it fit me...with an easy out--an already paid ticket home--if it didn't. I know I have like two months to go, but I think by now, you and I both know I'll be moving here at the start of the new year. So that means something else...these three months have morphed into my little head-start to becoming an Immigrant. 

Richard signed me up for driving classes. I don't even know how to describe the horrors of driving here. The cars are tiny and all are manual transmission, something I tried only once-- in one of my nightmares. Driving is dangerous enough for me in an automatic car, why do people need to add a billion new steps to making the car go?!!? My first lesson consisted of me attempting to get it in first gear. This only happened 30% of the time. In addition to learning stick shift... nothing is the same. The signs are all different, the roads are all different; they have theses really confusing roundabouts EVERYWHERE instead of lights and regular roads. And of course, they are all on some insane incline, so when I stall the dumb car out at the entrance to the roundabout, it takes me like 20 minutes to gather enough courage to start up again, knowing I will be rolling backwards into the line of angry cars beeping behind me. Despite the fact that the two way roads are the same size as one of our LANES back at home, AND they constantly curve dangerously around mountains, everyone loves to go like 110 kilometers/hour. I don't know what that means in miles, (It's probably like 40 or something that makes me look dumb) but it feels entirely too fast considering if you crash, you will probably fall off the mountain and die. Then, there's the wildlife. Can someone tell me why there are always chickens in the road? Why aren't they gated in someone's farm? If it's not the chickens, it's feral dogs that jump out of nowhere, sit in front of your car, and start yelling at everyone. There's also bikers and motorcycles cutting you off to get ahead, construction traffic complete with guys guiding you directly into oncoming cars who had no clue you were coming, and don't even get me started on the parking. I haven't even tried to tackle it yet, since I failed my driving test in the States due to parallel parking...the ONLY kind of parking they have here. Driving on this island is like playing a video game...one I am definitely losing. 

This image strikes fear into my heart. 

I still don't know what this stuff means. Also, you can't see it when you're driving because the steering wheel is blocking it all. 

Terrifying Roundabouts. Seems so easy on paper...

This is a two way road...

My face is like this for the entire hour of driving lessons.

Immigrants also need to do a few other basic things, like study the host language, (my French classes start later this month, and as for Creole...well, I'm trying...) find a job, (ok so legally I can't work on a tourist visa, but we are setting things up for work with a private English Academy when I come back in January...) and create a home. (Richard's bachelor pad now has a washing machine, food in the fridge, and an iron!! His mom also sends me home every Sunday with some recipes. I think it's a hint.) On top of that, I found an Immigrant friend~~an American girl named Erin, who married a French guy and moved here with him last October. She knows pretty much everything there is to know about becoming a French girl. Although she has not tackled the driving issue here yet. She's leaving that little obstacle up to me...

My Summer Break; Logic vs. Fairy Tales

Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale...

 Hans Christian Anderson

The plan was simple; I'd go home to Texas, sell all my stuff out of storage and work my butt off at the bar for some fast cash. Richard would work all summer to find a way for me to get a Visa, and then he would come to the US in August. We would pack the rest of my things and drive to Michigan, spending the month with my family. Then we would fly off into the sunset and start a life on Reunion Island.

Once I landed in Texas, though, things got a bit more complicated.

It was a slow progression of good. My friends were there! And they were so happy to see me! And I missed them so so much! And my dog remembered me! Things were easy again. I knew where things were. I knew what things were. Grocery stores were big, with all the stuff I wanted in all the right places. I missed Mexican food, and soft pretzels, yogi tea, and buttery popcorn at the movies. I missed driving! Mostly, I missed being able to communicate naturally without having to think about it. I started back at the bar and immediately I was making in one week, almost the same amount of money I made in a month in Reunion.

Parallel to this slow progression of good, was a slow progression of bad on the island. Richard called every day with more bad news about Visas. Skype was sketchy at best and increasingly annoying. As more time passed, it was getting easier and easier to think about just staying put. Once I started to think logically about the situation, I felt absurd. What was I doing? I have a life here! I can work, I can talk, I can play with my friends. Why on Earth did I think I could just give all this up and move to some stupid island on the other side of the world with some guy I just started dating three months before?! I don't know this guy, we barely even speak the same languages. I started to tell Richard about my doubts. He was so positive about us, about making it work...and I just didn't want to fight that hard when everything was so easy where I was. Wasn't that unfair to him? Also, just to add a few more levels of drama, my ex boyfriend of (on and off) five years, the one I once thought I would marry, became a more prominent character in my life.

Now in my defense, I had been speaking with Mr. X since November, before I met Richard, and we were emailing back and forth the whole time I was in Reunion. Things in his life were changing, and we wondered if there was a reason after all this time we were still talking. Maybe we were finally in the same place in life?

In July I broke things off with Richard. I told him about Mr. X, and the million other reasons why it was stupid for me to come to Reunion. I had no visa, no money, my French was getting worse by the day, and I had no desire to go back to fighting every day just to communicate. The look of pain on his face was unbearable. I cried the entire time. He didn't let his voice break once. He just lovingly told me that he understood. I broke the news to Sylvie and the California girls, who were all kind of shocked. The girls didn't want to believe me. I didn't really want to believe me. It made me sick to think of what I was giving up. Maybe I was making the wrong decision?

I was at a definite fork in my life. And I was absolutely torn. Staring back at me were two completely different lives that I loved equally. And I couldn't just pick one and incorporate the other into it. Choosing one meant giving up -forever- so many things and people and places I loved about the other. And on top of that, no matter what I choose, I would hurt someone that I cared about. I was in a dark place. That kind of place when you have a dense cloud following you every second you're awake. The only time you're not thinking about it is that sweet sweet moment of confusion right when you just wake up and you can't even really remember your name or where you are. But then within seconds you're alert again and the black cloud descends and you're in it for the rest of the day. There were days I couldn't stop crying. Days I got sent home from work because I had no way of keeping it together. I just could not decide which path to take. And so, I ran away to Michigan to be with my family and clear my head.

Richard had already bought his plane tickets to the US, and soon called to inform me that they could not be canceled or changed. I told him it would not help either of us if we saw each other again, and that he should still come to the US if he wanted, and stay with friends he had in North Carolina. After all, coming to the US had always been a dream...

In Michigan, I was under direct council of my best friends and my loving family. It felt good to be around them again, and it just gave me more justification on how dumb it was to move so far away. I felt I had already decided; logic and America had won. So I moved on. I went back to Texas and continued down my path to making an American life work. I started to search for ways to become a French teacher in Texas, quit the bar, and started dating Mr. X again. But something felt off, like I couldn't catch my breath or get on my feet...though I was doing my best every day find my niche in Texas.

Richard eventually came to the states in August, as planned. Every once in a while, I'd get a text. Like when he ate Chipotle for the first time, since I always used to talk about how amazing it is. It was bittersweet. And, I missed him. He stayed for two weeks, and we kept in contact...until right before his last weekend when he called. He asked me one last time if I would meet him somewhere, quickly, for his last weekend. If nothing else, to just say goodbye face to face and honor each other, instead of via emails and Skype. 

I had to think about it. I knew I wanted to, but logically it was a bad idea...seeing him would only stir up useless emotions, and we had begun to move on...right? I talked to Mr. X, and told him what Richard was asking. And being the incredibly intelligent and logical man that he is, he had known that I hadn't stopped thinking about Richard and my fairy tale life on the island. It was already a weird uncomfortable bubble between us. He knew he only had half of my heart...and so, because he is a good man, and he loved me, he told me to go. If I would ever be able to be in a real relationship, half my heart just wouldn't do. I had to find out if Richard was just a fairy tale I had in my head, or if there was something real there.

So Richard came to Dallas. I completely expected that when I saw him at the airport, I would immediately know it wasn't real. Seeing my French life cross into my American life just wouldn't fit. It would be embarrassing, or awkward, and then after a few days I could send him back on a plane and we'd have the closure we both needed.

Instead, when I saw him, my heart skipped a beat in that very first instant. I choked back panicky tears because I knew then what was going to happen. We had an incredible weekend. Every second was just as it had been before. There is this connection there that defies logic. It's like every romance film ever made rolled in to one. On our last day, we had some time at the airport, and finally he asked the question we had been avoiding all weekend.

«So, is this goodbye, or is it just I'll see you soon?»

I told him honestly, I just didn't know. That there was a Mr. X and that I loved him too. He left, and I walked out of the airport in hot, embarrassing tears. I told Mr. X what had happened. The whole situation after three months had finally hit its climax and I was feeling the pressure to take some kind of action. I was ready to pack my car and drive to Michigan, just to do something to get away from it all. We talked for a little while and in the end he asked me not to make any emotional decisions, but instead to give it a day or two. I conceded. The days passed slowly, and the black cloud returned. I didn't really get out of bed. Luckily, I was house sitting, and unemployed, so it worked out in my favor. Mr. X and I talked on the phone for a while. I think part of him was fighting for me, and part of him was testing to see if I'd fight for him. But something in me just couldn't. 

And that one tiny fact; the fact that I couldn't fight for him, was what gave me enough motivation on the third day, to pack up my car and drive to Michigan. Because no matter what, I was not being good to him, and he was offering me the world. I left because he deserved someone to fight for him, and my heart was somewhere else. It was awful. I was hysterical.

I drove for two days like a zombie across the middle of America.

My family and friends, always always supportive, welcomed me with open arms. They have become really good at watching my drama from the sidelines...letting me make my own choices for my own happiness, and then doing what they can to help me get there.

In three more days, I was on a plane to Paris, where Richard was waiting for me. As soon as I saw him, the dull panic in my throat that I had been suppressing for months finally started to subside. That night he took me to a violin concert at Sainte Chapelle, and then we had a picnic dinner under a glittering Eiffel Tower. We danced around in the Paris nightlife until 2am. It was so beautiful.

Violin Concert

Fire Drinks at Buddha Bar

An 11 hour flight later, and I was dragging him to the apartment of the California girls. I told only their mother that I was coming...the girls had no idea. When I knocked, Marianne had sent the girls to open it. As soon as they saw me, they burst into tears. We stood at the door, hugging each other, for a very long time. Marianne planned to serve me my first French breakfast back, and we shared summer stories over coffee and delicious pastries. I tried to surprise Sylvie the same way that night, but she had already guessed :-) Her and Manu had prepared my favorite Creole meal, Rougail Saucisse for dinner, with my favorite French dessert, a home-made Strawberry Tart. We went to Richard's parent's house as usual on Sunday. The entire family spent a good hour discussing what we should do next...how I can work, how I can get a visa, how I can learn to drive, where I can study French. Just 24 hours back on the island, and it was like I never left, like I never broke Richard's heart...everyone made me feel so needed and unconditionally loved. And finally, for the first time in a long time, I felt complete. I found the missing piece...I had left the other half of my heart here, in Reunion, with Richard, and with all these people who became part of my life.

Maybe sometimes we are afraid to believe in fairy tales when we are older, because we've seen too many of our own stories finish without the happy ending. Or maybe we just think fairy tales are silly children's stories, pretend words we use to construct a fantasy world in our heads; a place to go when we need to escape the normal world of logic. Perhaps my first time in Reunion was a fairy tale. But who says that makes it any less real? Because after this summer, I've learned not only that fairy tales can come true, but they must. So I surrender. I'll keep logic out of it, and continue to live in this beautiful tale until I get to the Happily Ever After. Because honestly, what have I got to lose?