My name is Jen, and I'm additcted to dramatic leaping.

If I were an animal, I'd have to say that I'd be a flying squirrel. A flying squirrel does not actually have the ability to fly...but instead, it glides from tree to tree. Which means every time it leaps, there is a possibility that it could miss something and fall to its death. I have to admit, I am addicted to that feeling right before you take a leap. For me, it usually happens at the airport, after you check in and you're about to go through security. You say goodbye to whomever you're leaving, and your heart starts racing because you know in just a little while, you'll be airborne...and what happens after is a big exciting question mark. It's all very dramatic. The adventure. The thrill. The adrenaline. I swear, it's so addicting. And I guess that's why I keep moving cities/states/countries every couple years when I get bored or when stuff stops being fun.

woohooo

Ever since I was little, the only other thing that has ever given me that same high as traveling and risk taking, is acting. It enables you to connect with humanity by physically putting yourself through (someone else's) life-changing experiences...it's intoxicating. The word "drama" has recently become this ugly thing with negative connotations, as in: "I think you need the drama in your life," a phrase I've been told (and offended by) multiple times. Lately, though...I've been thinking that it's true. But why is that such a bad thing? Drama doesn't have to be synonymous with crazy ex-girlfriends, crying yourself to sleep every night over a guy, and constantly running away. In fact, the word "drama" came from a Greek word meaning "action." And yes, I do want action in my life. All the world's a stage, right? I never ended up pursing acting in a serious way...so instead of acting as a career, I just happen to be starring in the movie of my life. Aren't we all doing that anyway? Aren't we all actors? I just prefer my movie to be a little more...exciting...is all. And have multiple exotic locations.

I disagree. Why no drama?!?! Drama makes you feel alive. It is a first kiss under the stars, driving across the country in pursuit of love, and leaping off rocks hand in hand into the sea. I think the word everyone is searching for is simply "Negativity."

I'm fully aware that my gliding from tree to tree days are numbered. There is an emotional crisis gathering in my head, reminding me that I'm approaching 30, I want kids and a family, and oh yeah...for the first time in arguably my whole life, I'm in a good relationship with a normal guy who I love and respect, who loves me and wants to be with me. None of these things scream "drama." The story that played out getting us to this point was amazing and crazy and worth a couple Oscars maybe. But after? The part where he works late and I'm learning to cook and iron? It's dawning on me that it's the first time my life has been without action, without drama...without something I'm working to achieve. There is no end point to work towards now. This is it, this is happily ever after. And my emotional crisis is asking me if I'll I be able to be happy like this...normal, without my addiction to the leap. Do I have commitment issues? Is normal life going to be enough for me? I want and need it to be. But already, I'm freaking out. I've never been without a job this long before. My day is filled with reading, teaching myself stuff I've wanted to learn, taking walks by the beach and not worrying about anything. My boyfriend works a lot, but every second we are together he focuses everything on us, and he treats me like a Princess. I know it's crazy...but all of this perfection and normality is really starting to stress me out!

How do you measure success when there's no more hurdles to overcome, like surviving your time in the Army, or finishing your college degree, or getting a promotion? When you have everything (important) that you've always wanted? I have no idea what to do with myself after I wake up, and I struggle with the guilt of not having to go to work. I know, I know, you're probably shaking your head right now and thinking "Wow, your life is so horrible...that must be nice!" And it is! And I'm so sincerely thankful for everything--I promise you I am. I'm just...kind of worried that my inner flying squirrel might end up trying to sabotage it.

So, now what? I really wish I knew...