Tidal Waves of Change

So it's been 5 months since I've written anything, or really done anything creative.

There are a couple of good reasons, I guess...for one, I started a new contract with the public school system in January teaching English to 5th graders, and that's kept me pretty busy.

But then also there was another surprise at the end of January...

I found out I was pregnant.

I was kind of bewildered, because only a few weeks before that we had bought tickets to the US for us and Richard's parents in July. I had just started a new job. According to me, this year was alllll planned out!! After talking to the doctor and realizing that the trip would still be possible (I will JUST make the legal cutoff date by 3 days...phew!) I calmed down a little bit and started to think about what this means.

Actually I think I'm still trying to figure out what this all means.

To tell the truth, I'm really scared. There are times in life that you can see yourself going through stuff in the future and you know how you will feel and how you will act and you can guess what it will be like. And then there are times when you know something is coming and you can't see yourself in that scenario even in your wildest dreams. 

It's absurd because this is like one of the most natural things in the world; the majority of humanity for FOREVER has done it. It's not like taking weird random risks, like swimming with sharks or skydiving or joining the Army or something. Why am I so afraid?

But when I think about going through birth, and how my body is going to rip itself into a bloody mess of pain, I panic a little. When I picture myself comforting a crying baby effortlessly by pulling out a breast during mid-dinner conversation, I laugh. When I imagine being a person that is carrying around another person in a portable seat and strapping him in to my car to go get some groceries, I pinch myself. Is this something I can even do!? I'm capable of a lot of things, and I can always picture myself doing them. This one is just a giant question mark in a white void.

Then there are the overwhelming amount of questions that people are asking me. Are you going to use reusable diapers? (Probably.) Are you going to breastfeed? (I'm going to try but why does everyone make it sound like torture!?!) Are you going to have an epidural? (I don't want to, but when I say that people shake their heads and say, "oh yeah I said the same thing...".) Do you have everything you need for the baby? (No!! I've found a few lists of stuff on pinterest but I have to consult a dictionary for everything on it, it's like learning another language!!!) Are you going to co-sleep? (I don't even know what that means.) How are you going to deal with discipline? (I don't knowwwwwwww can I just concentrate on surviving the birth, omg.)

So instead of dealing with any of this right now, we decided to take advantage of life as we know it before everything changes completely and forever.

We went hiking and camping for weekends on end...

...ate ALL the wild goaviers in the forest...

...met up with some old friends...

I did what will probably be my last professional photoshoot...

And then I went to the French countryside to do my spiritual retreat with Micheal Roads.

Lake Annecy

Annecy

St. Paul en Chablais

And hopped over to Geneva before heading back...

My guides to Geneva

Home-made hot cocoa from Philippe Pascoet

Chantal and Bernard, My generous hosts for a week.

I guess after writing all of this down I think the thing that scares me the most is that this is it.
This is the one thing that I can't ever undo... no matter what.
I'm so used to running, and having plan Bs, and avoiding things I don't want to deal with, and thinking mostly about myself.
I guess it's time to walk forward in responsibility and confidence.
It's time...to grow up.