On White Roses

Once upon a time in my college acting class, we were tasked with performing a dramatic monologue. A friend recommended one by Sophie Scholl in the play "The White Rose." It's a true story about Sophie and her college-aged friends who were arrested during the Holocaust for printing and passing around anti-Nazi propaganda. Since they were young, and not Jewish, all they had to do was say they were sorry and they didn't really know what they were doing, and they could get off with a slap on the wrists. But instead, they chose to defend what they wrote and were therefore beheaded for treason.

Her interrogator became interested in Sophie and wanted to help her out of the situation. He asked her why she couldn't just do what she was told and go on living her life like everyone else; survive and wait until it was all over, until the monster was gone. This was her response, and the monologue I performed:

“The real damage is done by those millions who want to 'survive.' The honest men who just want to be left in peace. Those who don’t want their little lives disturbed by anything bigger than themselves. Those with no sides and no causes. Those who won’t take measure of their own strength, for fear of antagonizing their own weakness. Those who don’t like to make waves—or enemies. Those for whom freedom, honour, truth, and principles are only literature. Those who live small, mate small, die small. It’s the reductionist approach to life: if you keep it small, you’ll keep it under control. If you don’t make any noise, the bogeyman won’t find you. But it’s all an illusion, because they die too, those people who roll up their spirits into tiny little balls so as to be safe. Safe?! From what? Life is always on the edge of death; narrow streets lead to the same place as wide avenues, and a little candle burns itself out just like a flaming torch does. I choose my own way to burn...Somebody, after all, had to make a start. What we wrote and said is also believed by many others. They just don't dare express themselves as we did.” 

I was very moved by this story and her words, and couldn't imagine how one could not be. Then I talked to my boyfriend at the time and was so shocked by his opinion that to this day I can remember every detail of that conversation.

We were in his car, and I was in my head, in a haze where Sophie's world and my world were combined. I was so enveloped in this that I had to talk about it, and so I told him everything, the whole story, hers and mine, and waited for his stirring confirmation that there are things that happen in this world that you obviously give your life for. 

Instead, he just said: "That's stupid. Why would she just choose to die? When you're dead, you can't do anything. She could've just gotten out and kept reprinting her propaganda, or secretly attacking the regime in another way."

It was really a moment of destructive clarity for me. First, I learned (and at the time I fiercely denied this flash that entered my head) that my boyfriend and I viewed the world very differently and that line between us ran deep...and second that I could see something as so obvious, so sure, so soul-shattering, and discover that not everyone who looked saw what I did. 

I've thought back to this monologue and this moment between Brian and I quite often over the years, wondering which side had the better answer. Sometimes I've agreed more with his response, sometimes not. As I've grown spiritually, I've also questioned the idea of getting worked up into "fighting against" things, instead of choosing peace, love and forgiveness in the way of Gandhi, Jesus, or Mandela.

And still, the theme replays itself.

It's obviously not as clearly defined as the Holocaust, but there are little moments that pass by when I'm questioning the same things now as I imagine they did back then. Before we had the hindsight and knowledge of what Hitler was really doing. When it was just people living their daily lives, happy to have a leader of Germany that seemed to be able to get the country back on it's feet...ordinary people just trying to survive the daily grind.

You know, in any conflict it starts little. For example, your employer dances around a few rules that allow them to take a little money out of your paycheck. You know they did wrong, they know they did wrong (even though they pretend) but it's only 50 euros, so why start a long, drawn-out battle?

Or maybe there are some people in your life that have an opinion on the choices you are making...let's say about giving birth or ways you would like to take care of your baby. Do you let them tell you everything you want to do will fail, let the words just roll off your back and avoid unnecessary conflict? Or do you defend yourself, and again enter into battle?

How many times do we take the easy road of avoidance instead of the more difficult route of action, of doing what is honest, or just, or true for us? 

And how many times do we enter into battles that do us more harm than good, convinced that the way we see things is the only way? 

How do you live a life of compassion, forgiveness and love, and at the same time respect yourself enough to not let people treat you in a way you feel harms you?

Just some questions for a Monday afternoon in June.

Chez Nous!

Since growing seems to be the theme these days...we moved into a house!

Well I guess we moved into what we would call a condo, and what they call a "twin house" here, because we live on the right side of a giant yellow house split in two.

The house is just in front of our old apartment building and right next to a bakery, which means every morning at 5 we get a nice little waft of the morning baguettes! :) Our neighbors are about our age and have a one year old girl.

We still need to hang pictures, get some furniture that's missing and get EVERYTHING for the baby room...but here, come take a tour of what we've got for now...

Our side!

Welcome!

When you first walk in, you are in the living room.

After the living room is a half bath and then the kitchen, which opens up onto the patio.

Those are my babies in the corner from the apt...Baby Banana Tree and Baby Papayas...hopefully I'll figure out how to plant them soon enough!!

Ok so let's go back to the living room and go upstairs!

Here we have our room, a full bathroom, and what will eventually be the baby's room.

The view from our bedroom...you can see our old apt there in the back center hehe

baby room

Then, there is one more flight of stairs to the third floor, where we have the office/music room, another shower, and what I guess will become a yoga room/guest bedroom...so everyone come visit!!

The ceilings are very oddly shaped so watch your head!

Don't worry, it folds out into a bed!

So I repeat: everyone come visit!!!!!!!!!!!

Tidal Waves of Change

So it's been 5 months since I've written anything, or really done anything creative.

There are a couple of good reasons, I guess...for one, I started a new contract with the public school system in January teaching English to 5th graders, and that's kept me pretty busy.

But then also there was another surprise at the end of January...

I found out I was pregnant.

I was kind of bewildered, because only a few weeks before that we had bought tickets to the US for us and Richard's parents in July. I had just started a new job. According to me, this year was alllll planned out!! After talking to the doctor and realizing that the trip would still be possible (I will JUST make the legal cutoff date by 3 days...phew!) I calmed down a little bit and started to think about what this means.

Actually I think I'm still trying to figure out what this all means.

To tell the truth, I'm really scared. There are times in life that you can see yourself going through stuff in the future and you know how you will feel and how you will act and you can guess what it will be like. And then there are times when you know something is coming and you can't see yourself in that scenario even in your wildest dreams. 

It's absurd because this is like one of the most natural things in the world; the majority of humanity for FOREVER has done it. It's not like taking weird random risks, like swimming with sharks or skydiving or joining the Army or something. Why am I so afraid?

But when I think about going through birth, and how my body is going to rip itself into a bloody mess of pain, I panic a little. When I picture myself comforting a crying baby effortlessly by pulling out a breast during mid-dinner conversation, I laugh. When I imagine being a person that is carrying around another person in a portable seat and strapping him in to my car to go get some groceries, I pinch myself. Is this something I can even do!? I'm capable of a lot of things, and I can always picture myself doing them. This one is just a giant question mark in a white void.

Then there are the overwhelming amount of questions that people are asking me. Are you going to use reusable diapers? (Probably.) Are you going to breastfeed? (I'm going to try but why does everyone make it sound like torture!?!) Are you going to have an epidural? (I don't want to, but when I say that people shake their heads and say, "oh yeah I said the same thing...".) Do you have everything you need for the baby? (No!! I've found a few lists of stuff on pinterest but I have to consult a dictionary for everything on it, it's like learning another language!!!) Are you going to co-sleep? (I don't even know what that means.) How are you going to deal with discipline? (I don't knowwwwwwww can I just concentrate on surviving the birth, omg.)

So instead of dealing with any of this right now, we decided to take advantage of life as we know it before everything changes completely and forever.

We went hiking and camping for weekends on end...

...ate ALL the wild goaviers in the forest...

...met up with some old friends...

I did what will probably be my last professional photoshoot...

And then I went to the French countryside to do my spiritual retreat with Micheal Roads.

Lake Annecy

Annecy

St. Paul en Chablais

And hopped over to Geneva before heading back...

My guides to Geneva

Home-made hot cocoa from Philippe Pascoet

Chantal and Bernard, My generous hosts for a week.

I guess after writing all of this down I think the thing that scares me the most is that this is it.
This is the one thing that I can't ever undo... no matter what.
I'm so used to running, and having plan Bs, and avoiding things I don't want to deal with, and thinking mostly about myself.
I guess it's time to walk forward in responsibility and confidence.
It's time...to grow up.