Riddles.

What gets farther away the closer you approach it?

One answer to this riddle apparently could be "the United States," because I have never been more anxious to go home than in these last 19 days before departure!! My whole body has shut down. There is nothing on Reunion Island that I can force myself to eat anymore. I don't want any stupid rice, I am currently no longer amused by stinky cheese...I don't drool over fancy french pastries...not even a warm baguette can entice me these days. You know what I do want for dinner? A giant, delicious (steroided, I don't even care) steak. A Subway sandwich! Real Tex-Mex! Microwave popcorn!! Fresh spinach!!!

Yesterday was France's version of our Independence Day, the day when they cut off the heads of their monarchs and started a democracy. I did not hear one little peep about this holiday, except in the main city where a few days before, lots of little baby French flags suddenly sprung up out of nowhere. I understand they also had some disappointing fireworks later at night, but no one I know actually went.

On the 4th of July I was so homesick I just sat at the computer, you-tubing videos of firework displays all over the US, sobbing hysterically and stuffing my face with make-shift "American" food, that I decided at the last minute we HAD TO HAVE in order to celebrate. Poor Richard was probably terrified, but he took me to the store so we could buy ingredients to make soft pretzels, chicken-like "hot dogs" (which are sooo not hot dogs!) Doritos that cost 3x as much as they do back home, and a bottle of Coca-Cola covered in Thai writing. Then I stumbled upon a video of the Army marching in an Independence Day parade, which made me remember for like the first time since it happened ten years ago that I was once an Army soldier marching in an Independence Day parade. This made me cry all over again and for a few seconds I got all nostalgic about my Army days, which was when I first realized that I have a problem. So I did the only thing a girl can do in such a situation; I called my Dad, and pretended like everything was laughable so we could laugh about it. Except I'm pretty sure we both had secret tears in our eyes all the while.

So I guess since then, you could say I've been emotionally charged. This is my real riddle, though, because I can't really put my finger on it. It feels a lot bigger than just being homesick.

This extra charge manifests itself in quite unusual ways. In social situations, I am much more awkward than usual. Unexpectedly meeting people I don't know sends me into a panic. On Sunday, we had a giant BBQ for Richard's mom's 50th Birthday and the hysteria in that house in the morning was so thick I literally couldn't breathe. No one else seemed phased by all the yelling and running around, but my little emo-charge took on the form of a sponge and just sucked up all of that chaos until I thought my head was going to explode.

Luckily, after we got everything set up and the guests arrived, I could breathe again and we ended up sharing a really great moment together:

Their country line-dancing instructor was there, so between courses, we all learned a couple songs :-)

But then...there's this twitchy feeling that I just can't shake...like I'm supposed to be preparing for something that's about to happen but I have no clue what it is. This is accompanied by crazy vivid dreams at night and a deep burning desire for some spiritual insights. The other day I asked Elena what she thinks life is all about, and she paused for a second. "I don't know, really. Except nature. I believe in nature." I got chills.

Feeling that she's on to something, I begged Richard to take me on an adventure on Saturday. We stumbled upon a park and ended up on a secret trail in the woods. You want to know a thing about Richard? He has two very distinct sides to him, (like many of us) but I don't know if he knows about them. The first one is like a veneer--the refined, proper, parent/boss/people pleasing achiever, who doesn't get his shoes dirty, and the second one is however you might describe someone who is vibrating with freedom. Sometimes when I ask Richard questions, I think his first answer isn't really his, but his mom's. Or dad's. Or society's. But then after the conditioned frame...there is an honesty there, deeper than any shade of blue I've ever seen in the ocean. It really got me thinking about things we say because we've been kind of trained to say them. Maybe we even think we believe and agree with these things. But at a more profound level, we know a different truth.

  

 

  

 So we sat under a line of palm trees, playing with big blades of strange, fuzzy grass, and talked about ideas. I was slightly frustrated because every time I tried to explain the things that are in my head, they would get all riddled and lost and I couldn't straighten them out again. Maybe some things aren't meant to be spoken, but lived instead.

What gets farther away the closer you approach it?

The horizon.

As to what's on the horizon?

That's a riddle I'd like to find out the answer to....