Twenty Nine.

On birthdays, like on New Years Eves, I find myself trying to sort out life.

I guess we like to think of these occasions as an opportunity to turn the page. But in order to do that, you have to know some stuff first, like where you are, how you got there and if you want to stay, or where you want to go.

You know what my biggest unanswerable question is these days? I've tried to articulate it before, but I've never solved the riddle...it's still hanging there in a gray cloud, spattered with question marks. 

When is it right to fight for a relationship, and when is it better to just let it go and move on?

Brothers, best friends of 16 years, boyfriends, wives, fiances, parents, crazy Great Aunts...whatever...no one is perfect. And important people in your life are probably going to hurt you sooner or later. So what do you do after? I'll tell you what I usually do...I run. I quit the relationship and then I change cities. I change states. Sometimes I change countries. I change my phone number and email address. And then I start my life all over again and leave it in the past. Maybe I'm getting kind of old for that.

What would happen one day if I didn't run? If I accepted responsibility for my piece and tried to understand and forgive the piece that wasn't mine? Would the relationship rebuild, become something new and strong? Or would the cracks always be there, just cleverly painted over?

I once read that the purpose of relationships are so that you can be and decide who you really are. In other words, the relationships that you have with different people, places, and events are your platforms for being alive, in the way you choose to be.

I'd like to be someone who loves every person in my life unconditionally for who they are. Free from fear of abandonment, judgement or embarrassment, and instead, at peace. And if someone wants to work with me to rebuild something broken into something solid...well that's a beautiful thing, isn't it?

Maybe that's what I'll try this year.

I hope it works.